I don't often share personal information. But this one hit differently. My ex girlfriend and I were together almost four years. And in that time, I spent the vast majority of my emotional energy managing her wild mood swings. I carried her emotionally.
I even created this entire business concept of managing messages for people based on managing her moods. That was the foundation of the company.
And while I don't believe she's been clinically diagnosed, there were some major red flags that I ignored (as many of us do) because I was intent on protecting her and the relationship.
I broke up with her in October of last year for the reasons I mention above. So, we haven't been dating since then and this is May. It's been 7+ months as of today. Let's dig in. Keep reading.
Below is my personal journal entry with her name changed to protect her privacy. Read it and see if it hits home with you.
Journal 5/18/26
Last night while I was at the STYX concert in Bentonville, Vivian texted me out of the blue with this message:
"Do you think you could care for me again like you did?”
I responded warmly and tried to engage. Her texts that followed were the same familiar push-pull dance she did while in our relationship. I knew it so well. I lived it for four years!
Her texts were vague, hesitant, and evasive. When I asked her to be more direct about what she wanted from me, she gave me cutsie, low-effort answers like “popcorn, a cuddly blanket, and time with you.” keep in mind, I broke up with her last October. She doesn't even know what time with me feels like anymore.
She offered to go for a walk today, then immediately pulled back saying she was “under the weather” and asked if I wanted her to stop talking to me.
Classic Vivian — reaching out, creating emotional intensity, then withdrawing and making me manage the uncertainty. This was my life for four years!!! Push/pull, manipulation, hoovering and control tactics.
After a full day of her push-pull game, I’m left with the same exhausted feeling I had throughout our relationship. The vagueness, the testing, the emotional labor, the constant managing of her moods and ambiguity — it all came rushing back in real time.
I don’t miss her. Especially after today.
I miss the version of myself that felt chosen and needed.
But today reminded me exactly why I broke up with her: I couldn't carry the emotional weight anymore. Her emotional weight. I’m not interested in playing her games. Today was a real-time reminder.
I don't know how to describe today other than calling it a helpful dose of reality. I got to clearly see her pattern again, but this time with fresh eyes. Eyes that aren't blinded by "love" and care for her. Eyes that don't need to save or protect the relationship, because there is no relationship to protect. Just eyes that have had 7+ months of clarity building. And today, I’m even more certain that I never want any part of it again. And no part of her again.
But in some strange way, I needed today and these texts.
Today's texting with her de-romanticized my views of our former relationship. God I worked my ass off with her. The emotional labor I expended managing her mood swings was off the charts. And exhausting.
Today, on purpose, I allowed myself to get sucked in just a little - like touching a hot stove to see if it still burns. I knew the probable outcome, but it was amazing to feel that disgusting feeling I got from managing her emotions. I felt it again today. The stove was hot. But instead of it burning me this time, I recoiled from the heat and didn't touch it. Today, I was flooded me with a million reminders of exactly why I broke up with her. She's a nightmare.
But what's different today is that there are no lingering thoughts of "what if?"
Today, she was exactly who she was during our time together and damn! What a fucking mess she is. Had I forgotten? Yes and no. But any lapse in my memory was restored by today's comms with her.
My day has been strange, interesting, and a bit of a whirlwind. But I don't feel the same as before. I've grown. I've evolved. I've learned.
I have her to thank for this growth. And today as she showed me again who exactly she was, is, and will always be, I thank the universe that I didn't re-engage with her. Today, I'm still free from her bipolar life of shit. And I have a free tomorrow to look forward to.