It took me a long time to break out of the belief that gets parroted over and over on the Internet. Everyone will say, "communicate your boundaries" to your partner. The premise is that by telling your partner what your boundaries are, the partner will then change and have better behavior.
However, this hardly ever works. Why? Because of the three rules of life that I was given many years ago by a wise sage in New Jersey. Well, she wasn't a sage. she was my best friend's mother-in-law and these three rules stick with me.
Rules:
- People do what they WANT to do.
- Actions speak LOUDER than words.
- You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
The real truth about communicating your boundaries is that it is hardly ever effective. To put it plainly, it doesn't work. Why? Rule #1. People do what they want to do. Your partner (and you yourself) do what you want to do. A lot of people will say they don't, but they do. How do you know? Rule #2. By their actions. You can see what they are doing.
And the problem is that by communicating boundaries, you're trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Basically, you don't have the right ingredients for chicken salad, but you're still trying to make it. You don't have fresh chicken. Instead you have chicken shit and your recipe is gonna taste like it.
Imagine you gather your ingredients for chicken salad.
- Mayo
- salt
- pepper
- celery
- and chicken shit
Then, you stand there and communicate your boundaries to the chicken shit. "You really need to change. You need to become more like actual chicken. This is my boundary. I am trying to make this relationship recipe work and you're not cooperating. No matter HOW MUCH you lecture the chicken shit, it will NEVER become regular chicken. It will never change. The same goes with people
People don't change. They don't get 'better'. In fact, they often get worse. ~ Will Grey, circa 2017
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't have boundaries. Quite the opposite. You definitely should have boundaries. But what I am saying is that communicating those boundaries to a partner or potential partner is a fool's game. It is ineffective and doesn't work.
A better way forward.
A much better choice for boundaries is to keep them private. Read the title of this blog again. Boundaries aren't cages, they're a filter. A communicated boundary becomes a cage. A place where you can control your partner....or attempt to control them. If you communicate that your partner cannot have lunch with the cute secretary at work, then you're setting them - and yourself - up for a massive failure. Why? Rule #1. If your partner wants to have that lunch with her, he will. Period. No matter what you've communicated with him.
If you communicate that your partner needs to treat your child well like you treat her children, then you're setting yourself up for failure. This happened to me with my last relationship. She didn't like my youngest son even though he was best friends with her three sons. The four of them were amazing together. As the pseudo-step-dad, I took the four of them on plenty of adventures - often without her. We went to Sea World, beaches in Hawaii, and hiking in Utah. I love her boys and I have known them for more than four years. However, the reverse wasn't true. She treated my youngest - who she'd known since he was six years old - like crap. She constantly tried to exclude him rather than include him. Evil step-moms really are a thing it seems.
However, I made the mistake - many times - of communicating my boundaries. I would say that she should treat him kindly like I do for her children. I would basically beg her to change. It didn't work.
The communicated boundary didn't do a thing to transform chicken shit into regular chicken so that our relationship recipe would taste good.
Uncommunicated boundaries are a filter - and they're the way to be successful
It took me a bit to really grasp this. Uncommunicated boundaries are truly the way to be successful. Your boundary could be "I am no going to tolerate chicken shit in my chicken salad recipe." It's unspoken. It remains close to the chest and you don't have to tell anyone about this boundary. When your partner gets home from the grocery run and they bring chicken shit instead of chicken. You simply can refuse to make the recipe.
In real life, this means that if your partner brings a terrible ingredient to your relationship, you can quietly refuse to participate in the relationship any longer. You do NOT have to try. They have crossed your boundary and you get to decide. In this way, the boundary becomes a filter. A filter that only you know about and you get to employ.
In the end, I broke up with this woman. She decided to plan Christmas vacation with her three boys and she wanted to exclude my son. And - get this - she wanted to have her Christmas celebration in MY HOUSE and have my son and I "go somewhere else" for Christmas. The nerve.
I had enough of trying to communicate my boundaries. That final straw finally smacked me right across the face. I said to her, "you don't want to include my son. I respect that decision." Then a pause. "I hope you respect my decision that I don't want to be in a relationship with you any longer." And then, I had her leave my house.
Be quiet about your boundaries
All that to say this - be very quiet about your boundaries. Absolutely you want to have boundaries and things you simply won't tolerate in a relationship. But you don't need to annouce them to the world. Just have your set of boundaries. If the boundary is crossed by a partner, leave. Let your filter protect your peace instead of trying to cage and control your partner through communicated boundaries.
For the record, properly prepared chicken salad is delicious.