I was reading an article this weekend that suggests some connection between cluster B personality disorders and promiscuity. Often, failed marriages are plagued with some deviant sexual behavior. For example a partner:
- Is unfaithful or cheats
- Has an addiction to pornography
- Be overly preoccupied with sex
- Had past homosexual experiences
- Had a large number of sexual partners
Below is a quote from the article:
"The majority of the literature in this area suggests that in comparison with individuals without BPD, those with BPD evidence greater sexual impulsivity as indicated by higher levels of sexual preoccupation, earlier sexual exposure, more casual sexual relationships, a greater number of different sexual partners, promiscuity, and homosexual experiences. In addition, these patients evidence greater victimization as indicated by a higher number of high-risk sexual behaviors; greater likelihood of being coerced to have sex, date rape, or rape by a stranger; and more sexually transmitted diseases. "
Cluster B personality disorders include borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), histrionic personality disorder (HPD), and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). Largely affecting women, cluster B personality disorders may engage in promiscuous behavior as a manifestation of their underlying personality traits and emotional difficulties.
But so far, there is no smoking gun or direct link. That is to say, a person who is promiscuous doesn't necessarily have a cluster B personality disorder. And a person who has a Cluster B personality disorder isn't necessarily promiscuous.
Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by patterns of behavior and emotional dysregulation. They can involve unstable relationships, impulsivity, and intense emotions. These personality disorders can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining stable, healthy relationships. Some individuals with Cluster B personality disorders may struggle with attachment issues, a fear of abandonment, and a need for validation, retroactive jealously and the need for attention from others. These factors can sometimes contribute to promiscuous behavior as a way to fill emotional voids or seek validation.
Promiscuity is a complex behavior influenced by a variety of factors, including individual personality traits, personal history, upbringing, and cultural norms. In other words, a person's individual upbringing and experiences may have shaped their sexual behaviors rather than a clinical disorder.
Solving the issue
I am often on Reddit reading about relationships. The advice that is given to individuals by the Reddit community is as diverse and the fish in the sea. One piece of advice that seems common to the threads is that people don't change. In context, commenters will say "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "if they did it once, they will do it again" and my personal favorite "once someone shows you who they are, belive them!"
The reality of this article in context of divorce coaching is this: if you're with a promiscuous partner, a cheating partner or a partner addicted to pornography, they won't change. Ever. If you're with an alcoholic, they will always be an alcholic even during the times where they are on the wagon.
I received this advice many years ago from my best friend's mother-in-law. She held up her hand and said "there are three things when it comes to people and relationships.
- People do what they want to do.
- Actions speak louder than words.
- And you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
To date, this is the very best relationship advice I have ever been given and I often apply this to my personal relationships or friendships as a test. Truly, people do what they want. There aren't accidents or mistakes. If they cheat, then they did so because they wanted to. If they are addicted to porn, they WANT to be addicted to porn. And their ongoing actions speak way louder than their promises.
Lastly, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit. What does that mean? It means that if you were getting ready to make some chicken salad, you need chicken, mayo, some seasoning and perhaps some celery. When you go to your refrigerator and all you find is chicken shit, you can't make the delicious chicken salad. And if you try to make it out of chicken shit, it's gonna taste like chicken shit. You're not fooling anyone if you go ahead with the recipe.
When you have a promiscuous partner or a cheating partner, they are chicken shit. They are a very nasty ingredient. So why are you attempting to make your relationship good when you have such a terrible ingredient? You can't. You gotta eliminate the chicken shit from the recipe and use the proper ingredients if you want something good.