There has been something on my mind the last couple of days. You see, after a recent breakup, my mind is gnawing at me to write some things down. If you know my story, you're aware that I was married for 19 years. The "woman of my dreams" - or so I thought. That marriage officially ended in 2019 and since then, I have had two long-term relationships.
I have been ruminating on this most recent relationship that lasted almost four years. Let's call her "Jessa" (fake name)
I first wanna say that what often gets called "Red Flags" might just be character traits that help identify deeper issues like BPD or NPD.
Today I wanna focus in on what I call "Strategic Unhappiness."
What is Strategic Unhappiness?
It is easiest for me to explain it using examples of how this was weaponized against me over the last four years with Jessa. Jessa was constantly dissatisfied and unhappy with nearly everything and everyone.
Here are a few examples:
- She complained about the nearly $1M home that her parents owned but she got to live in free of charge.
- She complained about her parents who gave her $100,000 over the course of a couple years to help her get stable after her divorce
- She has six siblings and only talks to one of them sporatically. Usually when she needs something.
- Daily, she spoke poorly about her ex-husband. Not a single day went by that she wasn't saying something about him.
- She complained about her friends "calling her too much."
- She called her religion abusive and a cult
- When her friend Mary (fake name) would call, she would set the phone down and not even listen to Mary because Mary "talked too much."
- She hated hearing about Mary's dogs and she was super judgmental towards Mary because Mary didn't have children.
- Her judgment extends to everyone she knows. Her friend Mark (fake name) was judged constantly because Jessa didn't approve of Mark's girlfriend.
- Once I bought a bunch of pizzas for HER boys and Jessa got mad at me that Domino's "kiddie cut" the pizza rather than in triangles. Jessa said that "I ruined the night." (Yep, I paid for the pizzas)
- Jessa refused to eat at any restaurant where I may have gone with my ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. You should have heard her go off on me over a bagel shop one Sunday morning.
- Speaking of Sunday, I made the mistake of saying that maybe we would meet some new friends at a church we started going to. Yeah, she said that reminded her of her ex-husband and she wasn't happy that I would dare to want to meet new friends at church.
- If any of my friends had ever met my ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, Jessa refused to hang out with them. Nope. I am not kidding. Seriously.
- While we lived together, she went into the shower. I had done laundry and washed all of the towels so there weren't any in the bathroom. I brought her a towel and she told me I was abusing her by bringing her a towel.
- She complained constantly about being cold. Even during the Summer.
- She didn't pay a dime towards my rent, bills, or expenses while living with me for a year.
- She was unhappy with most of my choices. Unsupportive and Dissatisfied.
- She didn't like my youngest son though he was best friends with her three sons.
- She would get offended so easily at most anything
- She would get mad at me if I picked a movie to watch and the movie had a sex scene in it - even though I was unaware of the scene. I guess I should have known better.
Constant Unhappiness is not normal - and it just may be a strategic move by a covert narcissist.
The bottom line is that she was constantly unhappy. Then it hit me. As I have pondered on these things, she would get mad at me for doing kind things. I would do nice gestures and say kind things and she would turn it into something else.
You see, when we care for someone, we don't want them to be unhappy. We want them to be excited, happy and joyful. Our partners mean the world to us and we would do most anything to see them satisfied and happy. And because I like to fix things and make them better, she would tell me she wasn't happy about something and I would go into "fix it" mode.
The covert narc KNOWS this and they use unhappy posturing as a weapon against us normal, empathetic people to extract supply - to get something. If I didn't do "enough" for her on Valentine's Day (this is a real example), then she would let me know. Then when V-Day comes back around, I don't want her to be mad so I do "better" the next time.
This weapon is so insidious and underhanded, it is hard to put into words. But it turns your world upsidedown. It makes you feel like you're never enough and that you're constantly on eggshells because you don't want to do anything that would make her feel "unhappy" right?
I constantly witnessed how she spoke about supposed loved ones and friends behind their backs, so I could only assume she would do the same about me when given the chance. In fact, she did on multiple occasions but that's for another time.
What are htheir goals for strategic unhappiness?
- To extract resources from you
- To manipulate you
- To control you
- To justify their own, current, abborhent behaviors
Weaponized Unhappiness is something that I hadn't thought of before, but it is employed by the covert-narc as a way to extract supply from you.
Do you have someone in your life who was constantly "unhappy" and "dissatisfied"?