I had a friend who bought a bunny. She worked with that bunny and even got it partially litter trained (for pee). But as hard as she tried, the bunny would still poop all over her house.
She once said, "I wish it was like a cat and would just go in the litter box."
I replied, "why didn't you just get a cat?"
A bunny will never be a cat.
Isn't that a silly thing to say? Of course a bunny can't be a cat. Everyone knows that to be true right? But for some reason, humans believe that a narcissist can be a good co-parent or able to form healthy relationships. THEY CAN'T!
Just like the bunny, a narcissist will poop all over your house and your life. They are completely incapable of managing the shit that they will leave everywhere. Or --they just don't wanna manage it. Either way, they cover your life in crap and it will never change.
But what if you took the bunny and put it in a box? Then, like one of those magician shows, there was a hole in the top of the box and you could reach down in there and pet it? Would you be able to tell the difference between it an a cat just by it's fur? Maybe. Both are soft and fuzzy. Both might feel similar. But the bunny in the box is hiding who it is. It isn't a cat.
Narcissists hide who they are. They manage to blend in and mimic normal human behavior so convincingly that many of us reach into the box and think we're petting a cat. A narcissist watches and imitates. What does it look like to be a good dad? A narcissist will watch other dads and imitate them rather than being a good dad. A narcissist will change colors like a chameleon to become what others want them to be at that time. It's fascinating to watch.
My own ex hated NFL football for 20 years while we were married. Found a guy who is a big Green Bay fan and now she's sitting down every Sunday in front of a TV to mimic what her new guy wants. Just wait until she meets another guy she is interested in, she'll become that too. It's amazing really. But, as amazing as it is to watch the imitation happening, it isn't real. It isn't honest. It is a manipulation. A falsehood that presents as something real to further a narrative or a made up reality. (more on that at a different time)
The Narc feels no remorse for creating this false identity. They are adept at dissociating from any guilt or shame they might otherwise feel for their harmful actions or manipulative behaviors. They use deception to get what they want and then use dissociation to protect themselves from accountability. Their true nature is cruel, chaotic and destructive, but they hide behind a well-crafted mask. In simpler terms, narcissists just don't care, which is evident when they quickly move on to new victims after being exposed. They leave behind a lot of damage. Emotional wreckage. Life long consequences. And yet, they don't care. Not one bit.
I recently had a girlfriend. She has tons of red flags. I ignored them. That's on me. But now, as an outsider, I see how she quickly lined up her next victim with the lines that he wants to hear. She has become his "listening ear" to give him her female perspective on his dating life. And wow, he quickly heeded her advice that he should break it off with his girlfriend. Now they're exchanging "good morning" texts every day. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. It's a match made in disfunction.
The narcissist creates their own reality, born out of delusion and their own creation. This reality is filled with filled with lies, illogical sentiment, irrational entitlements and a lack of morals. Their reality includes zero self-reflection or accountability and it is a distorted version that they impose on others, demanding compliance and punishing anyone who questions or challenges them. It's like those people who pretend to be animals (furries) and then get mad when other humans don't treat them like what they're claiming to be. In the narcissist's world, everyone must cater to their needs without expecting anything in return, and abuse becomes the "reward" for those who dare to care.
Living in the narcisist's world means constant manipulation, gaslighting, and betrayal, all designed to maintain their false identity and fragile ego. You find yourself walking on eggshells constantly, never knowing if the next time you see them they will be Dr. Jeckel or Mr. Hyde. You listen to them talk poorly behind the backs of those they supposedly love and care for. And then smile when they see those same people. They want all eyes on them and want to be the center of attention. For the narcissist, everything is fine as long as it serves their needs, but for their victims, it is a world of pain.
Remember that relationship you thought you had with them? Year, that was never real; it was held together by fear, guilt, and obligation. Of course they chose you. You're a good person which means that they KNOW that you'll be reliable to the children. And that reliability means they can make money off of you for a very long time. The narc kept you around until someone "better" came along. Then, when the new person was ready to commit to them, the narcissist engaged in the discard phase to sabotage everything you thought you had built. Not normal right?
Now, your world -- the reality they helped you form and believed in -- crumbles, and you begin to question your own reality and self-worth. When the discard and betrayal happens, you realize that you were manipulated and betrayed by someone you trusted. It was a magic trick. A deceiption. An illusion. It wasn't real. The fact that you believed it made it seem real. But it wasn't.
That false reality is the number one reason a narcissist can never have a normal, healthy relationship. With anyone. Not with their children. Not with you. Not with their new love interest. Not with their parents. They don't have normal relationships. All relationships for them are a means to an end. A creation to support the storyline that they have.
Now, you're uncovering the truth and you might find yourself trapped between the love you once believed in and the reality of the narcissist's distorted intentions. It's a hard addiction to break. The narcissist built you up using manipulations which released dopamine in your body. That dopamine became addictive to you. Physiologically addictive. Breaking that addiction is tough. Necessary, but tough. The narcissist thrives on the power they gained over you by controlling you and ultimately devaluing you. They tested you to see how much they could hurt you before you would leave. Cheating to them is a shit-test to see if you'll take it. They wanna know just how much abuse you're willing to suffer through just to be with them. What they have done to you damages you deep into your core, affecting every aspect of your being.
No, they can't have normal relationships. And recovery from this kind of abuse is a long and challenging process. It isn't simple, but it is doable.
These blog posts sometimes head in a direction that I don't plan when I sit down to write them. That happened here. But as I wrote, it was a release. Hopefully something someone needed to read. It was healing for me too in a sense that I still have some work to do in my red flag reactions. I gotta quit being so nice. LOL!