You Made a Contract with a Narcissist.

When you had children with a narcissist, you created a contract with them. This contract may not be completely spelled out, but it is something that you cannot get out of.

You ever sign up for a "free" mobile phone. The new iPhone 18 is free at Verizon. Right? Free means that you are gonna pay for it. And if you don't pay for it, they will make you pay for it.

The contract you made with your high-conflict, narcissistic counter-parent is very similar. Let's go back to the free mobile phone. What if you just give the phone to a friend and let them have it, does that end your contract? Nope. What if you throw the phone in the lake? Does that stop the payment from coming due? Nope.

Same thing with divorce. Just because you divorce the narcissist, doesn't mean it's over. Far from it. Sure, you may not be around them as much, but believe you me, that high-conflict counter-parent will do everything they can to make your life miserable. And they will find every avenue that leads to your anguish.

You see, divorce ends the marriage. And if you didn't have children, you'd split assets and go about your merry way. But with children, you created a legal and lasting contract that has long-lasting clauses that you cannot escape. Your bound to them. Even if you give your new iPhone to someone else, you're still responsible for the payments. And even if your narc-ex moves on to another person, you're still obligated to interact with them on a VERY regular basis. This is your payment. This is your reality. And it is legally enforcable until that child or children emmancipate out of the contract. (Some states at 18. Some states as late as 23)

Divorcing a narcissist when you share children means you are subject to an ongoing relationship with the very person you sought to escape, dragging you through endless conflicts, financial burdens, and emotional exhaustion.

The Perpetual Courtroom Battle

Narcissists love to fight. They love conflict. They love chaos. And, defying all logic, they will spend every dime to cause that chaos in your life. Is it financially responsible? Nope. Does it make any sense at all? No. But they will spend $100k just to pay you $300 per month less in child support. Stupid. But I see it all the time in my practice. ALL THE TIME! I have one client who's ex took her to court because she didn't have the children call on a Thursday. This client's ex is spending tens of thousands of dollars with an attorney to argue over a phone call that wasn't made on a Thursday. How much f*!king sense doe that make?

A narcissist can bring you back to court for any, and I mean any reason whatsoever. My own ex brought me back to court (costing me several thousand dollars) because I was 29 days late paying a child support payment. She lost and had to pay me just under $1,800 in attorney fees. But I spent almost $5,000. I "won" but still lost more than $3,000. Oh, and she had an attorney too and probably paid him $4,000 or more. Effing stupid. And a terrible waste of resources.

Narcissists love litigation because it gives them attention and a platform. It allows them to legally scream at the top of their lungs what a victim they are.

They will drag you back to court over the most trivial issues, file frivolous motions, refuse to adhere to court orderrs. They weaponize the legal system against you. The court, meanwhile, remains blissfully unaware—or worse, indifferent—to the psychological warfare at play. Often courts don't have a legal basis for helping anyway, so they just ignore the issues between co-parents.

COURTS DON'T HELP. OFTEN, THEY MAKE IT WORSE.

Each court battle costs thousands of dollars in legal fees, mediation expenses, and lost work hours. And because child custody is involved, the court retains jurisdiction over you forever (until emmancipation), giving your narcissistic ex an open invitation to create chaos whenever they desire.

The Financial Black Hole

Had children with a narcissist? Congratulations, you just signed up for a lifetime of legal expenses.

One of my clients has spent almost $500,000 in legal fees. A half a million dollars. And her wealthy ex refuses to work and gets child support from her even though he has old money. Inheritance type money.

Whether it's attorneys, mediators, parenting coordinators, custody evaluators or any other "professional" the court gets involved, they are all useless. They are grifters, taking advantage of a corrupt and broken family court legal system. Make no mistake, they are getting rich. Judges, attorneys, and everyone else involved is transferring your wealth to their banks.

In my own experience, I have a PC assigned to my case. My ex insisted on it. I sent the PC a $750 deposit because I was ordered to by the court. So far, my ex has brought up 2-3 things because she's super high-conflict. None were valid as far as the PC was concerned and the PC did NOTHING. But yet, I have to pay them. I have to pay a "professional" to read stupid shit that my ex sends to them. What's the cost you might ask? It's $250 per hour! So at any time, when my ex wants to hit me with a penalty, she can elevate something to the PC and cost me money. For nothing.

No matter what, you lose in court or with court-related things. Even if you "win", you lose tens of thousands to the attorneys. It's a rigged game.

And it’s not just the legal costs. Narcissists often refuse to contribute fairly to child-related expenses, find ways to manipulate child support, or use financial control to exert power over you. Nearly all of my clients have exes that refuse to work. Their exes are weaponizing incompetence. And getting away with it. One of my clients has an ex with a law degree (J.D.) and a Master's degree in governmental affairs. Two advanced degrees. And what does he do for work? He's a substitute teacher at a middle school making less than $17 per hour. And even though he has a 10+ year history of making more than six figures, the court was like "no problem" and ordered my client to pay him child support. My client who has a simple BS degree and was a stay at home mom while he earned that salary.

Courts often favor the narcissist. Why? Because the narc has gotten really good at playing the victim. And courts are set up to look for the victim. Remember, in nearly every court proceeding, there has to be a victim. Even in criminal cases. If there's no victim, there's no crime. Can't find the body? No crime. The criminal gets away with murder.

Because narcs play the victim role so well, it feeds right into the narrative that the courts are searching for. Any judge who sits on the bench is used to looking for the victim in each case....and the narc plays that role way better than you do. Is it fair? Hell no. Is it the reality that many face? Yep.

The Emotional Toll

Ever watch Friday the 13th, the horror film franchise that started back in the '80s? Jason Vorhees simply can't be stopped. And just when you think that Jason is done with his spree of chaos, he sits up again and comes after the main characters of the film. He's been shot, hit with shovels, stabbed, burned, and he never quits. He is like that coyote from the Bugs Bunny Cartoons. He is completely undefeatable.

Your narcissist is like Jason. You may think that you've won. Yea! You made it through divorce. But they are gonna get up again and again just to come after you.

The narcissist is a curse. One that I - unfortunately - chose to have children with. I love my sons. Don't get me wrong. But damn if I wouldn't go back and make a different choice for a partner knowing now what I didn't know then. If I had MIchael J. Fox's time machine, I would head back to 1998 and choose not to date her......and I would buy some Apple and Google stocks while I am there....and play the lottery.

It's a Trap!

Every message, email, text, or interaction with them is a potential trap. They will gaslight you to get you to react, then point at your reaction. They will use flying monkeys to get to you when they can't get you via normal channels. They will use courts to attack you. They will tattle tale to a PC. And they will create a narrative with doctors to make you out to be the "bad parent". They will accuse you of being uncooperative for not responding to their messages right away. They will demand Facetime calls daily just to get into your life and spy on your house. It is a no-win situation designed to wear you down.

Even when you think you've found peace, they find new ways to pull you back into the chaos. The unpredictability is the worst part—you never know when they’ll strike next.

The Children as Pawns

Narcs don’t make decisions based on what’s best for the children; they make decisions based on what’s worst for you. Read that again. Their entire decision making process is what's worst for you.

They have zero desire to do what's best for the children. Period. If something benefits you, they will sabotage it. If something harms you, they will pursue it relentlessly.

The children become pawns in their game of chess. They use them to distract you while moving their other pieces in place to attack you. The children become little messengers, spies, billboards or even weapons. My ex turned my youngest into a living billboard to advertise her new relationship (born out of one of her five affairs.) My little guy would come to my house with his new Green Bay Packers hoodie or his Wisconsin sweatshirt. Keep in mind that my ex would NEVER send new clothes to my house. But since her new man was from Wisconsin, she would buy new hoodies and send him to my house wearing these things.

Side note: if your ex is doing this. Then don't send those hoodies back. Instead, keep them at your house forever and tell them that the hoodie got stained with ketsup or lost.

The narcissist will lie about you to the children. And in 100% of my cases that I manage, the narc will attempt to alienate the children to turn them against you. It starts with the little manipulations like "I'm going to miss you so much while you're at mom's house." That phrase alone is do damaging to children because it makes them feel guilty for enjoying the other parent and guilty that dad is missing them so much. It is emotional abuse. But there's no real way to stop it unfortunately.

Escaping the Contract

The brutal truth? You can’t. Not fully. As long as your children are minors, you will always be tethered to your narcissistic ex. However, you can minimize their impact on your life:

• Parallel parenting, not co-parenting. Treat interactions with the d-bag narcissist like a business transaction. Keep communication minimal and emotionless.
• Use legal strategies wisely. Pick your battles. Most battles should be avoided if at all possible. Document everything. Have airtight agreements that leave no room for manipulation.
• Protect your finances. Plan for legal costs, because they will come. Find ways to minimize the financial drain. Create a savings account while you're not in court to save up for when you'll be in court.
• Emotionally detach. Accept that the narcissist will never change. Your peace comes from learning how to react (or not react) to their antics.

The Hard Truth

Had children with a narcissist? You didn’t just become a parent—you became a litigant, a financial hostage, and a perpetual target. This is the unspoken contract you unknowingly signed. And while you can’t break it, you can learn to navigate it.

Understand this first. It can help save your sanity while finishing out your contract.