JADE is an acronym that stands for a communication technique I recommend when dealing wtih high-conflict co-parents, narcissists, manipulative individuals, or people with borderline traits during divorce, separation, or ongoing interactions.
What does JADE stand for?
- J - Justify
- A - Argue
- D - Defend
- E - Explain
Manipulative, high-conflict individuals will oven convince us to JADE in response to their challenges. We might find ourselves Justifying our stance on something, Arguing with them about a certain topic, Defending our position or ourselves, or trying to Explain why something should be done.
The core principle is that we want to AVOID engaging in any of the four behaviors when dealing with the high-conflict person. By engaging in JADE, it fuels the manipulative person and it gives them more control where they can escalae emotional drama and shift focus away from the children or their own accountability. (ps. they will never be held accountable)
As the empathetic, cooperative personality, you have to avoid JADE at all costs. We don't explain ourselves or answer the question "why". Literally NEVER.
I see it all the time. The high-conflict manipulator will often say something like "explain to me why you think ____________________" This is a total trap. Do NOT fall for it. Pretend you just got arrested and anything you say or do will be used against you.
We want to never offer any JADE to them and it works to keep us safe and sane.
Why it works in high-conflict situations (especially co-parenting):
- High-conflict individuals (e.g., those showing narcissistic or borderline traits) thrive on emotional engagement, circular arguments, and baiting reactions.
- JADE behaviors pull you into pointless debates, provide "ammunition" for manipulation, and prolong conflict rather than resolve it.
- Avoiding JADE helps you stay calm, maintain boundaries, reduce emotional drain, and keep interactions brief/child-focused (often paired with methods like BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm).
- What to avoid (the "JADE behaviors"):
- Justify: Don't provide reasons or excuses for your decisions/actions (e.g., no need to explain why you're declining a last-minute change).
- Argue: Don't debate or try to prove who's right/wrong—logic rarely wins against emotional reasoning or gaslighting.
- Defend: Don't respond to accusations or attacks by proving your innocence or character.
- Explain: Don't over-detail or clarify beyond what's necessary—detailed explanations often invite more twisting or attacks.
- What to do instead:
- Keep responses short, factual, neutral, and strictly about the child/co-parenting logistics (e.g., "The exchange is at 5 PM as per the order.").
- Use the "broken record" technique: Calmly repeat your decisions without adding justification.
- If pressed, disengage (e.g., silence)
- Focus on documentation (e.g., via apps) rather than verbal battles.
If you JADE, you will lose every time. The narcissist giggles when they make you angry. They absolutely love the chaos and the confusion that they can cause. The high-conflict, borderline person will never come around to your side, so you want to avoid giving them anything at all to attack you with.
This technique is a staple in resources for co-parenting with narcissists/high-conflict exes—let me know if you'd like examples of JADE vs. non-JADE responses or how to integrate it into your messages.